Exhilerating Disgust!

Five hours of sleep, Morning through afternoon full of caffeine, Evening of rush and leaving office in a hurry.. and a night full of exciting highs & forgetable lows!

That describes my topsy-turvy day leading to this very moment when I write this. My laptop clock shows a time of 03:17 AM and am writing for the very first time from somewhere away from home. Am in college currently preparing for our event coming up on Sunday. My day was super hectic today.. and is going to be more so in the couple of days to come. We are organising a Farewell Event for the TY students named Sayonara '09.

Confused? Well, this was what I wrote and saved in draft, of what was supposed to be my next exciting post here. It was written in the early hours on Saturday, 6th June and I was to continue writing once my event was over. Sadly though, it was my last attempt at writing on the blog from my Dell Lappie. It's gone now.

It was an eventful weekend. We had so little time on our hands before our event and so much to do. Om, Ajay, Prashant, Tushar & me decided to stay overnight in college Friday night since there was a lot to do. Besides working hard for the initial few hours of the night, what I encountered for the rest of the night was nothing short of a thriller.

Ajay & Prashant, who went to hunt for food at about 1 AM in Fort area, came back limping & with torn pants. They had tripped off the bike and bruised their legs and elbows badly. It was an accident! While Om did the first aid and applied Dettol on the bruises, me and another friend zoomed off to get Soframyacine and get some food along since we all were really starving. We had to go all the way to Bombay Hospital to get the medicines and on our way back stopped by BadeMiya's for some rolls.

Prashant & Tushar left soon after while Om, Ajay & me decided to stay on. Ajay was preparing the video which was to be given to each of the TY students as a momento,Om & me were busy on our lappies, playing! With no mood to sit and cut thermocol pieces & paint, we spent a rather philosophical Friday night in college discussing about each others strengths & weaknesses, and about how life was and is. It was pleasing to really get to know some of my college buddies, who are very close friends now.


Anyway, as D-Day was approaching, we all got quite busy preparing for the event. Since I was the so-called Event head that day, though I don't think I did anything at all, I was kept busy with a lot of decoration, printing, event flow discussion and stuff. Saturday whole day went in crafting the decorations. McVeggies, Golden glitters, fevicol, water paints, coke, drinking water, all scattered amidst people working! It was a great mix of energy & passion on display. With no sense of time & oneself, everyone contributed selflessly to the event, atleast the making of the event.. It was truly dramatic.

The same bunch of guys who stayed back Friday night decided to stay back Saturday night as well! If only I would have shown such dedication in studies, I can only imagine where I would be. Saturday night was all work little fun. We were tired, dead sleepy but still managed to hang on till about 4 odd when we realised, we had to rest for a while.

Come D-day, and I reach college at 1.30 PM and guess what I am clearly late! Most of the guys are already there and with just 5 hours to go for the event to begin, it was panic situation. I gave my laptop to guys who were burning the CDs to be given away as momento and started focusing on getting the decor in place. Besides also quickly briefed Prasad & Prachi, who were the hosts, the event flow and various games. Neha helped a lot! Unlike her size, she has some serious passion & energy towards such events. Hats off!

Soon, the audi was ready. Having just arrived from Ajay's office with some prints, we were all set to go. Everything seemed to fall in place suddenly and it was time for it to all begin.

People slowly started trickling in. The response was clearly not up to our expectations. Nevertheless, the fact that it was the last day in college for most of them, it was a memorable evening for those who turned up. The video made it all the more memorable. We did a pretty decent job I felt gauging through the reaction of the audience. Although I realised, I have a lot to improve on when it comes to Event handling, it was a truly enriching experience for me. And I strive to do much better, come the next event.

The photo session was exciting. All the guys, including me, were dying to click a snap with the 'white & brown stripped girl' ;-). And why not? She was cute. Having done with all the post event nonsense, it was time to pack up and leave. I was in a mood to head straight to Leopold and enjoy the next couple of hours in celebration of the event. We were all ready to pack up and leave and that's when Disaster struck!

I got everything but the most valuable thing, my laptop! It was missing. I laughed it out initially, thinking it was a prank by someone but soon realised I am in for an forgettable incident! It was actually missing. A big, bulky, black Dell Inspiron went missing. Someone flicked it!

I was stunned. Couldn't speak a word. Everyone went berserk searching for it, right from the Audi to Room No 12 to the second floor but in vain. I failed to digest how a laptop could go missing from the college when all of whom present were us students! It's so freaking hard to believe it could be flicked from college premises. I somehow gathered courage to admit the fact that it was missing and headed home with fear and dejection in mind.

It was not my fault, was it? Or was I really careless? I didn't know then.. I still don't. Can't describe the level of fear in my mind while I was heading home. I was so scared of my parents' reaction that I just couldn't talk it out to them that night.. nor the next morning before leaving for work.. I just couldn't say it. Had to call my brother and tell him the entire episode. My bro in turn called my parents, and what followed what something I last experienced almost a decade ago when I had failed in my maths prelim paper in VII class.

I had to face the music. I guess I deserved it, in a way. I certainly should have been careful. I should have atleast known where my laptop was last being used. Anyway, all said and done, I must say all my friends that night helped a lot in trying to find my laptop. So much so that we all are in the process of drafting and sending a letter to the Director urging him to increase the security standards in college. Anyone, just about anyone, can enter the college premises without any hesitation. It just goes to show the sorry state of security.

What followed that dreadful weekend was a series of visits to the college & police station and major pondering on whether a police complaint should be lodged for the case. Turns out, it is very essential to lodge a complaint to be on the safer side and I will surely need to do one and quickly.

It was that dreadful weekend that really opened my eyes. 9 days from then, here I sit today and write my story of failure and a sense of disgust. I almost get that 'fighting a lost battle' kind of a feeling now. Again, just when things seem to fall in place, another episode of outright dejection in life. I fear, what's next?

Really, life can't be so harsh, can it?

Will I ever get to live life my way?

Wish me Luck!

I have always thought there are two kinds of people in the world. One who are always happy no matter what. These types find something to ride home about in all that they do. Yo! that's the way to go. Then there are people who always remain sad. They find sorrow in almost everything they do.

You know by now where do I fit. Why is it that always when I just think I am getting back to normalcy, something happens and I get back to being the bloody idiot that I am. It's almost become a way of life now. Not that I am not doing anything to get over it all, but then my mind is now used it, I guess. It's used to all the crap, sorrow and waste in life.

I am sure everyone goes through this phase in life where nothing seem to go as planned. Guess what, in my case this phase now seems to be such a long one that I do not remember the last time I did not have so many things to ponder about in my mind. I mean, I do not remember when was I tension-free. Is it that I really have a lot to think about which makes me feel out of place? Or is it because of the recent history of being a freaking pessimist that makes me further get into the ruckus? It's like quicksand, you get to it by mistake, and you are taken in with little chance of you coming out anytime soon.

It's really so bad that, I having cleared an AMFI Mutual Funds Advisors certification, something I was wanting for long now, does not really bring that real smile on my face. Even if it did, it was just for a brief moment. I really wanted to enjoy the day after I left the exam hall with my result in my hand. I was happy and wanted to spend the day out enjoying. And guess what happens?

I am sure in everyone's life there are those good friends whose company is always welcomed. While he/she may not be the special one, still being with them and spending time often makes your day. I was of the same opinion that day when I met my good friend after the exam but then... I don't know. It's difficult to explain. It's like, anytime that I am really honest, I make people uncomfortable. That's how it is. I hate to say but with my attitude, I end up ruining someone's else mood. Even though that person is trying to cheer me up by asking to meet-up for desert in the night. I so wanted to go, but then it never happened. Why? I ended up being so freaking sad and irritating that my friend finally had to get rid of me in a way. Good thing was, my friend atleast managed to have a good time after I left. I really hope so.

I really did not want to do this. Why would I ever want to spoil my friends mood when they infact want to cheer me up? That's how it has become and I don't know what to do about it now. Someway somewhere, it was because of the nice slow music playing that started it all. Those kind of songs always take me in some other world where I am with all special people, there is love, freedom, content, happiness and life is so much better. And just then reality strikes.

People say not to be sad because it’s over but to smile and think about good things that happened. But how can you do that when just thinking of the good times makes you feel sad because you realize what you’re missing?

I suppose I'm just perhaps a bit too honest. I'm putting off going to sleep, because I know when I wake up I'll have to go through the same things, but it's another day...

One more day of keeping my mouth shut and being a good little boy.

One more day of working my ass off.

One more God damn day...

One more day of making people uncomfortable with my sadness even though I try to be quiet...

One more day where I can't feel like I can relate to anyone around me...

One more day where I feel miserable in life...

and one more day where I have to hear that I am just too sad.

Wish me luck!

Music..

During troubled times, I've always craved for good music. It helps me relax and stay calm. So be it this time as well. I've been listening to some nice slow numbers, just the types I love the most. Though the occasional sad ones always spring up in my mind. It's funny actually I don't understand why when people are sad they listen to sad songs as if being sad itself was not enough! This is the case with me too. I end up listening to some of the sad ones and all those magic moments come up in my mind, when I used to be.. umm.. well, whatever I used to be earler. 

Anyways, such is life! Can't help but go with flow, can I? 

Besides, I came across this interesting song from the movie Rann, you might have heard about it by now. The song has already come under the scanner, though I like it somehow. Here goes the lyrics - 

Kinda lonely..

I really wish people would 'talk' to me sometimes. Most of the time, people just walk past me and only see what's on the outside. I have always heard from people that talking to someone and saying it all out sometimes makes you feel better. It gives you that funny feeling of content, even though you know at the back of your mind that what is to happen, is to happen.

Coming back, I really wish I get to spill it all out to someone. Someone who doesn't mind it at all and willingly listens to me. I have some good friends to talk to, but then, I don't know. I don't get that 'yes-you-are-the-right-person' feeling with any of them. Besides, someone whom I really want to talk to, seems to be absolutely dis-interested in talking. Will I ever get to talk to someone? Hell, I feel kinda lonely today.

I generally talk to quite a few number of people daily. But that's about it. I do my work, I talk to people to get my work done, people talk to me and get their work done. That's about it. There are the occassional cricket, college, exam, picnic talks but then, am I really in the scheme of things? No.

How life has changed. Whatever happened to the boy I used to be? I was once fun loving, carefree and full of life. But now I look out upon the world and see nothing. To me the world is empty, full of waste. It's so strange, I travel in the Local trains everyday and there are so many people around me. Hell lot of people, so many people to talk to. I have so many friends in office, college, school... and still I find myself lonely. Alone sitting & waiting for things to happen.

I wonder, will this ever change? Or rather I should ask, why and how did this happen at the first place? I never thought I would end up writing this blog. It hurts me when I see close friends going far away from me. But who is to be blamed? It's not those close friends I guess, it's me. Yeah, don't know why but it's me.

I think I know what went wrong. I think I also know what do I need to do to get over this all. But that's about it, I just know it. Am not doing it. Rather, it just doesn't happen. And what's more, things start getting worse. It's 12.45 AM currently. I should be studying at this time for my ongoing exams and not blogging on how lonely I feel in life today. But guess that's how it works, you know. It's a vicious circle. 

One thing is for sure. Though I am feeling sad today, there is always a silver lining somewhere. Am looking for that small little glimmer of hope. Hope things get better, sooner. And once it happens, that feeling will be really delightful. After all, How do you know what happiness is if you have never been sad?

Anyone listening?

A new beginning!

Well, I haven't written anything for a loooooong time. Every time I log in, I keep wondering what made me not write for so long. So just for starters, let me post this. At least I wont be discouraged by looking at the date of my last post, as it happened for all these months (7 months, 13 days to be precise)!

Keep watching this space, Lotssss more to come.. :-)

Train Pals.. !

Train travel can be very boring. Specially when you have to travel for close to 2.5 hrs every day and given that you don't have company while in the train, its a real struggle. One thing you can do to kill time is read, but heck, am not the one who can read after a tiring day at work and later college. Its an even worse thing to do than sitting idle. Same is the case with me, I travel from Malad to Churchgate and back and more often than not, I am alone and reading is the last thing I'll do given my situation at the time of the day.

But it was different yesterday. I took the 8.38 PM Borivali slow from Churchgate. Generally I take a fast, but yesterday it was too crowded with no place to sit. As soon as I stepped in and having digested the fact that it was a slow, I though this would be the most boring hour of journey back home with nothing to do and no one to talk to. Until 4 well dressed gentlemen came in and sat at the porch in front of me, 1 of them sat besides me. Three of them were, I assume, newly married guys somewhere around 25-30, and the one sitting besides me was an elderly guy probably in the mid 40's.

As soon as they entered the compartment talking to each other, I realised they all were Gujju's and discussing Stock Markets (no price for guessing here, its so obviuos, any well dressed Gujju with a diary and a business magazine/newspaper boarding a Borivali local from Churchgate almost always has to be associated with the Stock Market) I was spot on!

All of them were either Manager, Reserarch Head, Director of a Broking House. The one sitting besides me (I remember his name but somehow I feel I shouldn't disclose) was the Treasurer of Associated Capsules Group a Finance and Consulting firm based at Nariman Point. I sneaked into his business card while he was shuffling something in the bag. The gentleman sitting opposite me was carrying two copies of the latest edition of Outlook Money. One of his curious colleague asked the reason for the same. His pal, sitting besides him, instantly answered saying he is a proud man today. His article has been published in the magazine as he passed the copy to the person sitting besides me. I was amazed.

I couldn't read the article entirely, but I noticed the byline. He was the Head, Institutional Sales, SBICap Securities. I couldn't believe for a second I was sitting in the company of big people, the Treasurer besides me, the Head of Institutional Sales in front of me. Slowly but surely, I started getting interested in what they were talking about. Without making any eye contact, I continued to closely listen to them since I am very much interested in these topics.

They were talking about certain scrips which would do well in the future, RPL, Suzlon being a few. They spoke about everything from the way ahead for the market, some funds doing great, some of the sectors they were tracking and the like. Towards the end they were discussing about launcing a new mutual fund! Yes, they were talking about the admistration part of it and what problems could they face in the future and stuff like that.

What really amazed me was the fact that inspite of being such highly qualified people, they were so polite and good natured in the way they interacted. Ofcourse they knew each other very well, but the way they were discussing and putting their point across was really heartening to hear. Their discussion kept me interested throughout and without really making them concious, I kept listening to them. I did not speak a word simply because I felt they would feel awkward to talk to someone they dont know and mind you they were talking some real dope regarding the Stock Market and being experts in what they do, I would assume they would get it right!

All in all, it was a very good and enriching experience. It was also very inspiring since I always wanted to get into something related to the Stock Markets and Analysis and Research of the same. I hope I get capable enough to step into their role one day in the future. Who knows, someday down the line, I could inspire someone the same way!

3 mistakes of my life.. !!

I am not really fond of books and reading and stuff. But I’ve always been a fan of Chetan Bhagat and his novels. I had read his Five Point Someone and One night @ a Call Center and really liked them. As soon as his third book, 3 Mistakes of my life was launched, I wanted to really get my hands on it.

I did not really get the time to read it as soon as it was launched. One day I reached early to college and had some time to kill, so I just went to the nearby Oxford Bookstore and bought the book. It’s priced at a really cheap Rs 95 only.

There are very few books that I have read which had me engrossed into it completely. Whenever I used the read it, I lost track of the time. Initially, I only read it while traveling in the train. I travel for atleast 2 – 2.5 hrs every day (only train travel) from Malad to Churchgate and back. I used to finish close to around 25 – 30 pages everyday. I was slow mainly because, I enjoyed reading it and wanted it to last for as long as it could. However, with time, my curiosity increased.

Now, I also started reading it at home after dinner while on my bed. I read it till my eyes turned watery and when it was time to sleep. Somehow, the entire plot kept running in my mind throughout the day. Even while I am not reading, I kept thinking about Govind, Omi, Ish, Ali, Vidya. All the characters kept haunting me throughout. I kept wondering what would happen next, forming my own version of the book.

I started relating the entire story to that of mine, not that it matched, but I was wondering what would have I have done next if I were in Govind’s shoes. What if I did this? Should I also start my own business which I have been long wanting to do? A Cricket Shop? Tutions? All these thoughts kept running in my mind.

Till finally, when I finished the book. Yesterday, I stay awake till 1.30 AM just so that I finish the book. The climax was so well written, it kept me interested throughout. Somehow, I thought the ending could have been a little different. In the sense, it was a very sad and unfortunate ending. But anyways, I am no one to really suggest anything to Chetan Bhagat. He is the best, a master in writing. He writes in such an easy and simple language, anyone can understand.

There it is, my little tribute to Mr Chetan Bhagat. Thought I’ll write something on him and the fantastic book. Its a must read for all. Am already waiting for his next. Oh and btw, I finshed the book in 7 days flat! :-)