I have a Dream...

I have a dream...

To be at ease with all that I have,
To fly high with my feet on the ground,
To be happy and still brave to rave,
To be a fanatic and still remain sound.

I want to be famous,
I want to be rich,
Though not too much to let enemies amass,
Not too much to be afraid of the ditch.

I feel I should be home,
When I feel I should be away.
Lord, help me, for
I live two worlds each day.

To dream is to wish,
To live is to accept.
I dream a life, I live another,
Am caught, I must say, and it’s so apt.

Each one of us is the same,
Each one of us is sane,
But still we regret to dream,
And still in sorrow we remain.

It’s not easy to face,
It’s not easy to dare,
Nor to remain calm and share,
But then, who says life is fair?

I have a dream...
Though worth a penny,
I have a dream...
Rather, dreams too many.


- Milind Gandhi

On a writing spree..

There was a time when I used to actually think and ponder on what to write about in my blog. But things have changed, and changed for the good. Strangely, I have suddenly developed a flair for writing. I now have 3 distinct ideas in my mind which I am surely going to pen down soon. Two of them infact are already in the process of being written.

I wish to get these published in any newspaper or magazine. Its now my dream to write a book and this experience of writing articles will surely help me along. One thing that keeps me going is the appreciation that I have already received from some of my close buddies for my previous blog posts. They feel I have good writing skills. But I do not think so. I think I need to add a little more variety to my vocabulary which I am afraid am not very good at. If you notice, I have never used any heavy words in any of my posts. Same goes with my articles, which I fear will mark them down when compared to the work of other more accomplished writers.

All said and done, the bottom line is that I will not let this flair in me get bogged down, come what may. I am working towards my dream and am confident of improving with every new article and blogs to come. Will surely share my articles soon.. but not in this blog.

A new blogger id for my articles is coming soon.. Till then, adios! Happy reading to you, and happy writing to me. :)

Touching Lives..

Back with a difference! Yes, am certainly back to the blogosphere after a long break. Back and how. Feels great to put some pressure on the usually snoring dead brain cells and come up with something exciting to write about.

This time round though, its coming straight from the heart than from the mind. Its about life.. touching life!

I feel so proud to be associated with Touching Lives. I think it is one of the only very genuine NGOs around in the city that really, in the true sense, makes a difference. I don't know if my words would make sense but when I went to the slum area today for the first time, what I heard and saw was truly amazing. Small children came running towards Sonia (Founder of Touching Lives) calling her Sonia didi, and that to me is what is meant my making a difference.

Merely donating some cash, or sponsoring a child's education does not really mean you are touching a life. It is those little things like spending quality time, teaching, playing with the kids that really counts. It is an amazing feeling to see small children run towards you in sheer excitement just because you are taking them out to play in a garden. It is fun to see the innocent and cute smile on their faces when they look at your camera lens. It is truly blissful to see the amazing display of creativity and freshness in their paintings.

Feels really great to join this wonderful team of young people led by Sonia. I think it a great mix of youth and experience, energy and passion on display which will go a long long way.

So, how often have you touched life? For me, I just started today and now there's no looking back.

Exhilerating Disgust!

Five hours of sleep, Morning through afternoon full of caffeine, Evening of rush and leaving office in a hurry.. and a night full of exciting highs & forgetable lows!

That describes my topsy-turvy day leading to this very moment when I write this. My laptop clock shows a time of 03:17 AM and am writing for the very first time from somewhere away from home. Am in college currently preparing for our event coming up on Sunday. My day was super hectic today.. and is going to be more so in the couple of days to come. We are organising a Farewell Event for the TY students named Sayonara '09.

Confused? Well, this was what I wrote and saved in draft, of what was supposed to be my next exciting post here. It was written in the early hours on Saturday, 6th June and I was to continue writing once my event was over. Sadly though, it was my last attempt at writing on the blog from my Dell Lappie. It's gone now.

It was an eventful weekend. We had so little time on our hands before our event and so much to do. Om, Ajay, Prashant, Tushar & me decided to stay overnight in college Friday night since there was a lot to do. Besides working hard for the initial few hours of the night, what I encountered for the rest of the night was nothing short of a thriller.

Ajay & Prashant, who went to hunt for food at about 1 AM in Fort area, came back limping & with torn pants. They had tripped off the bike and bruised their legs and elbows badly. It was an accident! While Om did the first aid and applied Dettol on the bruises, me and another friend zoomed off to get Soframyacine and get some food along since we all were really starving. We had to go all the way to Bombay Hospital to get the medicines and on our way back stopped by BadeMiya's for some rolls.

Prashant & Tushar left soon after while Om, Ajay & me decided to stay on. Ajay was preparing the video which was to be given to each of the TY students as a momento,Om & me were busy on our lappies, playing! With no mood to sit and cut thermocol pieces & paint, we spent a rather philosophical Friday night in college discussing about each others strengths & weaknesses, and about how life was and is. It was pleasing to really get to know some of my college buddies, who are very close friends now.


Anyway, as D-Day was approaching, we all got quite busy preparing for the event. Since I was the so-called Event head that day, though I don't think I did anything at all, I was kept busy with a lot of decoration, printing, event flow discussion and stuff. Saturday whole day went in crafting the decorations. McVeggies, Golden glitters, fevicol, water paints, coke, drinking water, all scattered amidst people working! It was a great mix of energy & passion on display. With no sense of time & oneself, everyone contributed selflessly to the event, atleast the making of the event.. It was truly dramatic.

The same bunch of guys who stayed back Friday night decided to stay back Saturday night as well! If only I would have shown such dedication in studies, I can only imagine where I would be. Saturday night was all work little fun. We were tired, dead sleepy but still managed to hang on till about 4 odd when we realised, we had to rest for a while.

Come D-day, and I reach college at 1.30 PM and guess what I am clearly late! Most of the guys are already there and with just 5 hours to go for the event to begin, it was panic situation. I gave my laptop to guys who were burning the CDs to be given away as momento and started focusing on getting the decor in place. Besides also quickly briefed Prasad & Prachi, who were the hosts, the event flow and various games. Neha helped a lot! Unlike her size, she has some serious passion & energy towards such events. Hats off!

Soon, the audi was ready. Having just arrived from Ajay's office with some prints, we were all set to go. Everything seemed to fall in place suddenly and it was time for it to all begin.

People slowly started trickling in. The response was clearly not up to our expectations. Nevertheless, the fact that it was the last day in college for most of them, it was a memorable evening for those who turned up. The video made it all the more memorable. We did a pretty decent job I felt gauging through the reaction of the audience. Although I realised, I have a lot to improve on when it comes to Event handling, it was a truly enriching experience for me. And I strive to do much better, come the next event.

The photo session was exciting. All the guys, including me, were dying to click a snap with the 'white & brown stripped girl' ;-). And why not? She was cute. Having done with all the post event nonsense, it was time to pack up and leave. I was in a mood to head straight to Leopold and enjoy the next couple of hours in celebration of the event. We were all ready to pack up and leave and that's when Disaster struck!

I got everything but the most valuable thing, my laptop! It was missing. I laughed it out initially, thinking it was a prank by someone but soon realised I am in for an forgettable incident! It was actually missing. A big, bulky, black Dell Inspiron went missing. Someone flicked it!

I was stunned. Couldn't speak a word. Everyone went berserk searching for it, right from the Audi to Room No 12 to the second floor but in vain. I failed to digest how a laptop could go missing from the college when all of whom present were us students! It's so freaking hard to believe it could be flicked from college premises. I somehow gathered courage to admit the fact that it was missing and headed home with fear and dejection in mind.

It was not my fault, was it? Or was I really careless? I didn't know then.. I still don't. Can't describe the level of fear in my mind while I was heading home. I was so scared of my parents' reaction that I just couldn't talk it out to them that night.. nor the next morning before leaving for work.. I just couldn't say it. Had to call my brother and tell him the entire episode. My bro in turn called my parents, and what followed what something I last experienced almost a decade ago when I had failed in my maths prelim paper in VII class.

I had to face the music. I guess I deserved it, in a way. I certainly should have been careful. I should have atleast known where my laptop was last being used. Anyway, all said and done, I must say all my friends that night helped a lot in trying to find my laptop. So much so that we all are in the process of drafting and sending a letter to the Director urging him to increase the security standards in college. Anyone, just about anyone, can enter the college premises without any hesitation. It just goes to show the sorry state of security.

What followed that dreadful weekend was a series of visits to the college & police station and major pondering on whether a police complaint should be lodged for the case. Turns out, it is very essential to lodge a complaint to be on the safer side and I will surely need to do one and quickly.

It was that dreadful weekend that really opened my eyes. 9 days from then, here I sit today and write my story of failure and a sense of disgust. I almost get that 'fighting a lost battle' kind of a feeling now. Again, just when things seem to fall in place, another episode of outright dejection in life. I fear, what's next?

Really, life can't be so harsh, can it?

Will I ever get to live life my way?

Wish me Luck!

I have always thought there are two kinds of people in the world. One who are always happy no matter what. These types find something to ride home about in all that they do. Yo! that's the way to go. Then there are people who always remain sad. They find sorrow in almost everything they do.

You know by now where do I fit. Why is it that always when I just think I am getting back to normalcy, something happens and I get back to being the bloody idiot that I am. It's almost become a way of life now. Not that I am not doing anything to get over it all, but then my mind is now used it, I guess. It's used to all the crap, sorrow and waste in life.

I am sure everyone goes through this phase in life where nothing seem to go as planned. Guess what, in my case this phase now seems to be such a long one that I do not remember the last time I did not have so many things to ponder about in my mind. I mean, I do not remember when was I tension-free. Is it that I really have a lot to think about which makes me feel out of place? Or is it because of the recent history of being a freaking pessimist that makes me further get into the ruckus? It's like quicksand, you get to it by mistake, and you are taken in with little chance of you coming out anytime soon.

It's really so bad that, I having cleared an AMFI Mutual Funds Advisors certification, something I was wanting for long now, does not really bring that real smile on my face. Even if it did, it was just for a brief moment. I really wanted to enjoy the day after I left the exam hall with my result in my hand. I was happy and wanted to spend the day out enjoying. And guess what happens?

I am sure in everyone's life there are those good friends whose company is always welcomed. While he/she may not be the special one, still being with them and spending time often makes your day. I was of the same opinion that day when I met my good friend after the exam but then... I don't know. It's difficult to explain. It's like, anytime that I am really honest, I make people uncomfortable. That's how it is. I hate to say but with my attitude, I end up ruining someone's else mood. Even though that person is trying to cheer me up by asking to meet-up for desert in the night. I so wanted to go, but then it never happened. Why? I ended up being so freaking sad and irritating that my friend finally had to get rid of me in a way. Good thing was, my friend atleast managed to have a good time after I left. I really hope so.

I really did not want to do this. Why would I ever want to spoil my friends mood when they infact want to cheer me up? That's how it has become and I don't know what to do about it now. Someway somewhere, it was because of the nice slow music playing that started it all. Those kind of songs always take me in some other world where I am with all special people, there is love, freedom, content, happiness and life is so much better. And just then reality strikes.

People say not to be sad because it’s over but to smile and think about good things that happened. But how can you do that when just thinking of the good times makes you feel sad because you realize what you’re missing?

I suppose I'm just perhaps a bit too honest. I'm putting off going to sleep, because I know when I wake up I'll have to go through the same things, but it's another day...

One more day of keeping my mouth shut and being a good little boy.

One more day of working my ass off.

One more God damn day...

One more day of making people uncomfortable with my sadness even though I try to be quiet...

One more day where I can't feel like I can relate to anyone around me...

One more day where I feel miserable in life...

and one more day where I have to hear that I am just too sad.

Wish me luck!

Music..

During troubled times, I've always craved for good music. It helps me relax and stay calm. So be it this time as well. I've been listening to some nice slow numbers, just the types I love the most. Though the occasional sad ones always spring up in my mind. It's funny actually I don't understand why when people are sad they listen to sad songs as if being sad itself was not enough! This is the case with me too. I end up listening to some of the sad ones and all those magic moments come up in my mind, when I used to be.. umm.. well, whatever I used to be earler. 

Anyways, such is life! Can't help but go with flow, can I? 

Besides, I came across this interesting song from the movie Rann, you might have heard about it by now. The song has already come under the scanner, though I like it somehow. Here goes the lyrics - 

Kinda lonely..

I really wish people would 'talk' to me sometimes. Most of the time, people just walk past me and only see what's on the outside. I have always heard from people that talking to someone and saying it all out sometimes makes you feel better. It gives you that funny feeling of content, even though you know at the back of your mind that what is to happen, is to happen.

Coming back, I really wish I get to spill it all out to someone. Someone who doesn't mind it at all and willingly listens to me. I have some good friends to talk to, but then, I don't know. I don't get that 'yes-you-are-the-right-person' feeling with any of them. Besides, someone whom I really want to talk to, seems to be absolutely dis-interested in talking. Will I ever get to talk to someone? Hell, I feel kinda lonely today.

I generally talk to quite a few number of people daily. But that's about it. I do my work, I talk to people to get my work done, people talk to me and get their work done. That's about it. There are the occassional cricket, college, exam, picnic talks but then, am I really in the scheme of things? No.

How life has changed. Whatever happened to the boy I used to be? I was once fun loving, carefree and full of life. But now I look out upon the world and see nothing. To me the world is empty, full of waste. It's so strange, I travel in the Local trains everyday and there are so many people around me. Hell lot of people, so many people to talk to. I have so many friends in office, college, school... and still I find myself lonely. Alone sitting & waiting for things to happen.

I wonder, will this ever change? Or rather I should ask, why and how did this happen at the first place? I never thought I would end up writing this blog. It hurts me when I see close friends going far away from me. But who is to be blamed? It's not those close friends I guess, it's me. Yeah, don't know why but it's me.

I think I know what went wrong. I think I also know what do I need to do to get over this all. But that's about it, I just know it. Am not doing it. Rather, it just doesn't happen. And what's more, things start getting worse. It's 12.45 AM currently. I should be studying at this time for my ongoing exams and not blogging on how lonely I feel in life today. But guess that's how it works, you know. It's a vicious circle. 

One thing is for sure. Though I am feeling sad today, there is always a silver lining somewhere. Am looking for that small little glimmer of hope. Hope things get better, sooner. And once it happens, that feeling will be really delightful. After all, How do you know what happiness is if you have never been sad?

Anyone listening?