Wish me Luck!

I have always thought there are two kinds of people in the world. One who are always happy no matter what. These types find something to ride home about in all that they do. Yo! that's the way to go. Then there are people who always remain sad. They find sorrow in almost everything they do.

You know by now where do I fit. Why is it that always when I just think I am getting back to normalcy, something happens and I get back to being the bloody idiot that I am. It's almost become a way of life now. Not that I am not doing anything to get over it all, but then my mind is now used it, I guess. It's used to all the crap, sorrow and waste in life.

I am sure everyone goes through this phase in life where nothing seem to go as planned. Guess what, in my case this phase now seems to be such a long one that I do not remember the last time I did not have so many things to ponder about in my mind. I mean, I do not remember when was I tension-free. Is it that I really have a lot to think about which makes me feel out of place? Or is it because of the recent history of being a freaking pessimist that makes me further get into the ruckus? It's like quicksand, you get to it by mistake, and you are taken in with little chance of you coming out anytime soon.

It's really so bad that, I having cleared an AMFI Mutual Funds Advisors certification, something I was wanting for long now, does not really bring that real smile on my face. Even if it did, it was just for a brief moment. I really wanted to enjoy the day after I left the exam hall with my result in my hand. I was happy and wanted to spend the day out enjoying. And guess what happens?

I am sure in everyone's life there are those good friends whose company is always welcomed. While he/she may not be the special one, still being with them and spending time often makes your day. I was of the same opinion that day when I met my good friend after the exam but then... I don't know. It's difficult to explain. It's like, anytime that I am really honest, I make people uncomfortable. That's how it is. I hate to say but with my attitude, I end up ruining someone's else mood. Even though that person is trying to cheer me up by asking to meet-up for desert in the night. I so wanted to go, but then it never happened. Why? I ended up being so freaking sad and irritating that my friend finally had to get rid of me in a way. Good thing was, my friend atleast managed to have a good time after I left. I really hope so.

I really did not want to do this. Why would I ever want to spoil my friends mood when they infact want to cheer me up? That's how it has become and I don't know what to do about it now. Someway somewhere, it was because of the nice slow music playing that started it all. Those kind of songs always take me in some other world where I am with all special people, there is love, freedom, content, happiness and life is so much better. And just then reality strikes.

People say not to be sad because it’s over but to smile and think about good things that happened. But how can you do that when just thinking of the good times makes you feel sad because you realize what you’re missing?

I suppose I'm just perhaps a bit too honest. I'm putting off going to sleep, because I know when I wake up I'll have to go through the same things, but it's another day...

One more day of keeping my mouth shut and being a good little boy.

One more day of working my ass off.

One more God damn day...

One more day of making people uncomfortable with my sadness even though I try to be quiet...

One more day where I can't feel like I can relate to anyone around me...

One more day where I feel miserable in life...

and one more day where I have to hear that I am just too sad.

Wish me luck!

Music..

During troubled times, I've always craved for good music. It helps me relax and stay calm. So be it this time as well. I've been listening to some nice slow numbers, just the types I love the most. Though the occasional sad ones always spring up in my mind. It's funny actually I don't understand why when people are sad they listen to sad songs as if being sad itself was not enough! This is the case with me too. I end up listening to some of the sad ones and all those magic moments come up in my mind, when I used to be.. umm.. well, whatever I used to be earler. 

Anyways, such is life! Can't help but go with flow, can I? 

Besides, I came across this interesting song from the movie Rann, you might have heard about it by now. The song has already come under the scanner, though I like it somehow. Here goes the lyrics - 

Kinda lonely..

I really wish people would 'talk' to me sometimes. Most of the time, people just walk past me and only see what's on the outside. I have always heard from people that talking to someone and saying it all out sometimes makes you feel better. It gives you that funny feeling of content, even though you know at the back of your mind that what is to happen, is to happen.

Coming back, I really wish I get to spill it all out to someone. Someone who doesn't mind it at all and willingly listens to me. I have some good friends to talk to, but then, I don't know. I don't get that 'yes-you-are-the-right-person' feeling with any of them. Besides, someone whom I really want to talk to, seems to be absolutely dis-interested in talking. Will I ever get to talk to someone? Hell, I feel kinda lonely today.

I generally talk to quite a few number of people daily. But that's about it. I do my work, I talk to people to get my work done, people talk to me and get their work done. That's about it. There are the occassional cricket, college, exam, picnic talks but then, am I really in the scheme of things? No.

How life has changed. Whatever happened to the boy I used to be? I was once fun loving, carefree and full of life. But now I look out upon the world and see nothing. To me the world is empty, full of waste. It's so strange, I travel in the Local trains everyday and there are so many people around me. Hell lot of people, so many people to talk to. I have so many friends in office, college, school... and still I find myself lonely. Alone sitting & waiting for things to happen.

I wonder, will this ever change? Or rather I should ask, why and how did this happen at the first place? I never thought I would end up writing this blog. It hurts me when I see close friends going far away from me. But who is to be blamed? It's not those close friends I guess, it's me. Yeah, don't know why but it's me.

I think I know what went wrong. I think I also know what do I need to do to get over this all. But that's about it, I just know it. Am not doing it. Rather, it just doesn't happen. And what's more, things start getting worse. It's 12.45 AM currently. I should be studying at this time for my ongoing exams and not blogging on how lonely I feel in life today. But guess that's how it works, you know. It's a vicious circle. 

One thing is for sure. Though I am feeling sad today, there is always a silver lining somewhere. Am looking for that small little glimmer of hope. Hope things get better, sooner. And once it happens, that feeling will be really delightful. After all, How do you know what happiness is if you have never been sad?

Anyone listening?