10 years on..

I enjoy writing about certain experiences I go through in life that teach me something. The ones that help me change the way I think for the good. Basically, the ones that make me a better person and help me live with much more fulfillment. But today I am writing something which I want never to happen again. Something that I disliked and find disgusting. I want to write so that I can vent it out of me and not think about it again.  

I was standing at the signal the other day waiting for it to turn green so I could cross the street to the opposite side. I heard someone yelling something behind me. I thought he was talking on the cell phone so I didn't pay heed until I heard some specific words he used. I heard 'bloody', 'killed', 'Americans' and it forced me to look behind. A middle aged white local on a bicycle besides me waiting to cross the street to the other side looked straight at me and was ranting on top of this voice. 

He said and I quote, "10 years ago you f***** our city and now you want to be friends?" 

I was shocked. First reaction in my mind, I really want to give it back. I want to tell him, in his language, that it was not us. And, even if it was us, it was not ME! Why are you telling me? But then, something kept me back. I must admit, I was a bit scared. I didn't want to be a victim of his ferocity. What if he carries a gun? Things can get ugly. 

I didn't say a word, looked away and took a step to get to the opposite side. His words still reeling in my head. I stopped and looked back at him. He left with a rage. I could hear he was still yelling something while was riding away. I walked away, head down, wondering what just happened. 

As I walked towards my destination, I realised, I had a stubble, not very heavy but enough for whites to 'assume' which religion and country I belong to. How disgusting can people get? I am still trying to come to terms with what happened. It was probably a one off incident, but then I am really amazed and saddened at the fact that there are people in this country who still single out a particular religion. Even if I belonged to place the attacks were planned at, how can someone just accuse me of being the culprit? Why do they have to blame everyone for the wrong-doing of a certain few? 

There can probably never be an answer to this question. I am fortunate enough to have only been exposed to an ugly conversation. There are so many other innocents who have been tagged as extremists and barred from living a normal life in this country. Only and only because they belong to a certain religion and come from a certain country. I can feel for them. I will overcome this soon enough. But am sure some of the other less fortunate ones would probably never be able to. 

It is a pity that such a wonderful country has such narrow-minded people. I just came across one of them. There may be so many. People's attitude needs to change. I can only hope it changes with time. It probably will change if the current generation keeps passing the message lower down that humanity is above all nationality and religion. History books will keep telling us what happened, but we should learn to live in the future. Why discuss past events and further incite differences? 

Phew.. I should be fine. I wish I would not have to write another such experience again. No one would. I hope. 

Too shy, and I don't know why..

"I have known her since I was 9 years old. She was my best friend ever since. Everyday we used to sit together for class and exchange our notes the next day. I used to secretly stare at her face and her hair, wishing she was mine. She never used to see me the same way. And that was fine. Coz, I was with her all the time. She used to kiss my cheeks, and her caring hugs used to make me feel nice. And soon enough I realised, I wanted something more from this. I wanted to tell her straight from my heart that I loved her. But then, I was just too shy, and I don't know why."

"She was a dancer, and a beautiful one at that. She looked very pretty and graceful as ever. Dedicated and hard working, she was the perfect one for me. She used to write notes in her diary every day. Notes that no one could read. The beach was our favorite place to spend time together. Everyday we used to stroll endlessly. I loved the feeling of being with her all day. I wanted to tell her there, that she was more than just a friend, that I loved her. But then, I was just too shy, and I don't know why."

"Late in the night, when my phone rang. It was her. I wondered what happened? She used to call me and cry. She told me everything. Everything that she went through. She was feeling low and down and was wanting to be loved. I used to console her and did it selfishly though. I had noticed that when things went wrong, she always shared with me and wanted me to be around. I couldn't sleep that night. And I figured she may not have too. I should have said the words. But then, I was just too shy, and I don't know why."

"There were days when I used to sing and strum for her. But she never used to enjoy. Never was she impressed. And I was fine with that. Coz, she was the best and no one could question that. Best in her dancing, best in singing, best in her acads. I was so impressed. Slowly but surely, years passed by. She had to leave the city for her masters. I always wanted to keep her close. A tight hug was all that I could do before she could leave. I wanted to keep her near, but I couldn't tell her. And soon after she disappeared. As I had always imagined, she looked very pretty in her wedding dress. I remained seated near the aisles."

"I used to meet her. We used to talk, share our experiences with each other. I felt I should tell her that I loved her despite my fear. But it was too awkward to express now that she was away. Distance kept us busy in our own lives. But we remained friends always. She had two kids. I loved playing with them and buying them gifts. Her husband was successful, smart and kept her happy. I remained the struggling writer I always was, alone, unpleasant."

"After several years, I grew old. Yet alone with heart of a stone. And then one day, my phone rang. It was her husband. I got to know that the girl I had loved for 60 years was no more. She died at 69. Memories of the past came flashing to my eyes, as I paid my last respect to the love of my life. My feelings still hidden to me, her husband handed me the diary in which she used to write everyday. With a heavy heart I started reading."

"He has been my best friend, ever since we were 9. I stared at him everyday wishing he was mine. I wanted to tell him that, but I didn't know what he feels about me. I feared for our friendship, I feared it would all end. I held back my feelings, only hoping that he would read my signs. I notice him staring at me sometimes, but I don't know why he looks away the next moment. I don't know if he loves me or wants things to remain the same way. I am sure if he feels the same, he will find it in him to confess his love and convey. But then, I can't keep waiting for long. Things need to move. I wish he tells me now. He seems too shy. Too shy, and I don't know why."

------

"But that is not how the story ends. Coz am not shy anymore."

I looked at her. As I finished reading my story. She looked at me with awe, tears rolling down her eyes and a gentle smile. I could notice the diary in her hand. It was held tight. The moment said it all. Everyone was applauding my story at the open mic story-narration gathering at the college cafe. But that didn't matter to me. I could hear the claps as she came towards me and gave me the most assuring hug I have ever got from her.

I couldn't stop my tears. Tears of joy.

PS: With all due credit to 'Too Shy' - A Student Short Film by Ryan Hutchins (Hutchbaby Productions).

Head vs Heart..

I have always had this thought in my mind. Don't you think all of us constantly fight a battle. A battle between the heart and the head. Who should one listen to? Who wins? Very difficult to answer that question. Ask a lover for instance, a failed lover. Someone who has been dumped. Or someone who has been rejected. I should not make fun of them. But I don't know why, I have this urge in me, I want to write about them. They are one of a kind. More importantly, the failed lovers help me understand many life issues we face on a daily basis. I am trying to find out a clear answer. If at all there is one. 

So here goes.  

Excerpts from the diary of a failed lover. (Followed by my analysis). 

"Something strange happened that day in class. Something that I hate myself for not noticing at the very moment it happened. I have this very weird feeling of missing out on knowing something that I should be knowing. I want to find out. I will find out. It matters to me. She matters to me. A lot." 

Right, so the guy thinks (head) that he failed to notice something about her crush in class. He feels (heart) that he should be knowing it. There probably is nothing that happened at all. But his heart wants his head to figure out what happened. And so he does. Heart scores. Head 0 Heart 1.

"She looks so beautiful in that dress. She wore it only to show me today during rehearsals of her play. Should I ask her out? I know she likes me too. I can sense it. Tomorrow is the big day. Good luck to me." 

New found love. Heart will always win. Head has no place. Head 0 Heart 2.

"Today is the happiest day of my life. I have found my soul-mate. The love of my life. She is the one for me. I wish to spend the rest of my life with her." 

It seems the girl accepted the proposal. But hang-on. Did he just say soul-mate? Wow, the heart is having a ball here. Feelings have taken over. There is no level-headed-ness. Head 0 Heart 3.

"I am too young to get married. Why doesn't she understand? I better not get carried away with my feelings here. I guess we need to talk. We both need some time out of this. We need our own space. Things are going too fast."

Finally, the guy shows some maturity. He listens to his head. Probably they got into it in a haste. They may be the perfect couple. But they are not sure of the future. Typical. Head 1 Heart 3.

"No, I have no regrets for last night. It is natural for any guy to give in to temptation. As long as I didn't invite or made my way through it myself, I don't repent. I had a nice time. That matters. Besides, no one will come to know. Definitely not her."  

Men will be men! Head 2 Heart 3.

"I like this independence. I really think it was needed. I feel more at ease now than I was while I was dating her. I got a feeling she wanted to break-up as well. I am pretty sure. The fact that I do not have any doubts regarding my feelings for her, means I was always better off without her. Yay, I am a free man. Thank God, she didn't get to know about the other night."

No feelings. No emotions. No heart! Head 3 Heart 3. 

"I can't imagine I have put myself in this position. It is killing me. I hate myself. She was meant to be mine. I miss her. Would she be feeling the same for me? I know she is seeing the guy from the other class. They seem happy together. May be I should talk to her. May be not. I guess, I should let her be. I do not want to ruin her happy relationship. I guess I will act happy for her. I am dying from inside, but I won't let her know. I need a drink. Sigh."

There you go. This is so typical a story of a failed lover. He still has feelings for her. Or does he? My sense is that his heart keeps reminding him of her but the fact is that he is already over her. The feelings are nothing but a sense of him missing someone in his life. Not necessarily her ex-love. His heart is trying to seek a comforting zone in order to fill the vacuum created. And the comforting zone is nothing but the past. The head wins here, hands down. The heart is compromising. Head 4 Heart 3. 

I could go on and on. This head vs heart debate will never end. What I wanted to point out is that feelings can never overtake soundness. The degree of soundness and the intensity of feelings will always remain subjective though. There can never be a clear winner I guess. It is the circumstances and the nature of the person that commands an answer. 

One thing is for sure though, there are many life lessons that the story of a failed love can give us. Go ahead and explore a few of them from the above instance. Am sure you will find perspectives (if not answers) to many of life's day to day battles that we fight. If I have confused you with the above findings, well, may be I have. I started off with an intent of finding an answer. But the fact is that there is no answer. And I am glad I figured that out. Infact, I guess I have raised lot more questions instead.

Happy pondering! 

PS. The above scenarios are purely a work of fiction. Any resemblance with any real-life events is purely coincidental. Further, any attempt made at relating the above excerpts with my real-life happenings will be dealt with severely.  Severity can be discussed offline though. 

An all expense paid long vacation!

An ocean of thoughts in my mind. Equally huge number of feelings in my heart. I don't know how to tackle them. Best way to do so is to write. But then, what if the same ocean of thoughts and the huge number of feelings prevent you from writing?

This is exactly what's happening to me. I have so much to write. So much to express, but it doesn't come out. No, alcohol doesn't help either. Nor does the company I am with. I can take time to get along with people. Especially when out of the blue I have been put up by my office with new colleagues at a place far far away from home.

So, what have I been upto off lately?

I am at this most exciting, rocking, energetic part of the world called California. Yes, the place where Hollywood resides; also home to the huge metropolis San Francisco; and place for some serious business in the heart of the Silicon Valley. You name it, and California has it all. Am here for a few months for work. My friend tells me I'm on a paid holiday. And I keep rubbishing her thought. But today, for once I asked myself. Really? Am I on a paid vacation?

So let's see. Am I enjoying my time here? Yes I am, I love it here, except for the hours I work, I think its a cool place. I always enjoy travelling a lot. I have done fair bit of travelling already, but nothing is enough. Given a chance, I would keep hoping all over the globe regularly. So yeah, I like the fact that I am in California.

Is this a vacation? Not really. I am working here. Day and night. Actually, night more than day. Documentation, shadowing, training, meetings, Facebook / Twitter and the occasional random You-tube videos while at work. Oops.

How is the pressure? There is a lot of pressure due to work. What to wear today to work? Am I going to miss my train? Oh and also how am I going to document stuff when I am not getting the required training? I got to figure out the procedures and documentations myself. Pressure has just eased off a bit though; ever so slightly; coz I have got to know that my stay has been extended. Couple of months more may be. Wow, a couple of months more in California. That's wicked.

How you think the next couple of months are going to pan out? Well, you know, as I said, I got to figure out stuff myself. I have got to chalk out my own itinerary for San Francisco, Los Angeles and Las Vegas. Tickets, places to visit, stay, I am on my own. No one will help. On second thoughts, I also need to sit back and do some research and make work related documentations myself. Need to get it signed off before we take back work to India. But I get a feeling it should be fairly easy. I will get there. Eventually.

How do you manage your expenses? Oh, my company is generous in a way. They pay for my food and accommodation. Although there is a limit to the value of food, it doesn't matter to me. I am no food fanatic. Oh, and also the travelling is free. Except for when I want to go out of city limits, which is a fair call.

Gosh! I guess she is right. I am really on a paid vacation I guess. But then, if you go to see, life in itself is a vacation. Ok yes, I am getting into my philosophical mode but seriously. Think about it. Don't you feel you are on a really long holiday. You begin in the most beautiful, serene, heavenly place there can ever be on this planet, your mother's womb. And you end your vacation in the quiet and calm of heaven. And the journey in between is what is one big long vacation.

You meet so many different people along your journey. You do so many different things. You visit various places. You love a few people, you hate a few more. You do good things, you do bad things, and then there are good things you do that turn out bad. You change home, some by force, some willingly. You get married, have kids, play with them, care for them, bring them up with pride. You have stories to tell your grand children, you cry at their ignorance but love them dearly. You complain about your son / daughter to your elderly friends but can't stop praising about them at the same time. Isn't all this just a collection of lovely moments from your life. So many experiences, so many memories. This got to be one big long holiday.

And guess what, it is a paid holiday. Isn't it? You come to this world with nothing and you leave with nothing along. God pays for it all. He brings all the experiences, all the memories, and all we need to do is enjoy the journey.

Wow, I started with something and I am ending at something else. But I guess that was the point. I just wanted to write. I wanted to clear off my mind. Not for my friend, not for anyone else, but for me. I am not trying to prove a point. I am happy the way I am. I won't stop being myself for the fear of being judged. That's not me.

So my dear friend. You are right. I am on a paid holiday. But then, so are you. And so is everyone around us. It is a coincidence that we happened to meet each other on our respective holidays. A happy coincidence. The word is Serendipity!

Have a great vacation!